Imagine that you walk around the corner and suddenly there he is, tall, dark, handsome, the man of your dreams. If your a woman reading this it is not to hard to imagine. Most of us have had that dream at some point in our lives. Meeting mister right, the big white wedding, and the little house with the white picket fence. From there it is not to hard to so on to the dream of children. Little mini-me’s running around that fenced in yard. No where in our imaginings did it ever occur to any of us that having children can be a heart wrenching and shattering experience.
You’ve got your man and your house and your first positive pregnancy test. Your positively glowing with joy and life could not be any better. You are so thrilled and make all the calls to relatives and post it publicly on whatever social network(s) you use. Then you plan and start a registry, pick schemes for the nursery and take bets on boy or girl. Maybe even you start a long list of names you like so you have plenty of time to narrow it down to just the right one.
Ant then you get that little twinge in your side. Pass it off because it’s just the baby getting comfortable. You go to the restroom and see spots of red. maybe you have heard that for some spotting in pregnancy is normal, but you call the doctors anyway trying not to sound to panicked. The doctors tell you it could be normal and to rest and not over do things. And for a little while that’s all you need to here to make you feel better. But the twinge will not go away and is becoming downright painful. Perhaps you don’t even have pain at all, as some woman do not. But then comes the real flow of blood, just like a period. Bright red and full of clots. Now you panic and rush the emergency room. I’m so sorry, the doctor will say. Miscarriage. A word no one wants to say out loud, let alone talk about.
In a few short hours your blissful and perfect world has been shattered. You have lost more than just your baby, you’ve lost a tiny piece of yourself. It doen’t matter if you were six weeks along or six months, the pain is just as great. You mourn just as if you had lost a treasured relative. And essentially you have. You don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Your world has just collapsed around you and you just know it was somehow your fault, even if it wasn’t.
In time that grief lessens and you can face the world again, return to work or take care of the house. But the fear leaves a seed behind of fear. What if it was your fault, and worse, what if it happens again. The fear of loosing another precious child has made you withdraw from your husband’s touch. You just can not bear to have it happen again. Some woman might even turn to a contraception without telling their husbands. Your husband wouldn’t understand anyway. Or perhaps it is the husband who withdraws from you. Afraid that he is somehow responsible for what happened.
Miscarriage is so much more than just the loss of an unborn child. It can be the end of a previously loving relationship. Understanding miscarriage can be just as hard as going through one. Often times there is no clearly defined reason for a miscarriage to occur. Not knowing the reason for such a horrible ordeal adds that much more pressure on the conscious of both the woman and the man.
The grief and the fear for both partners is normal and understandable. Talking to each other about it can be very difficult when both are equally certain it was their fault. If this should happen to you it is important to remember that communicating our feelings and sharing the grief can go a long way in keeping the relationship strong. Fear, grief, and uncertainty can ruin a relationship just as thoroughly as infidelity. It can also make your relationship stronger, having conquered and overcome, but not forgotten, the tremendous loss of a child.